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| Husbands' responses on facebook. Click to zoom. |
But there's been a change of plans.
Five husbands stepped up to the plate and offered a reply. As I read through their candid, heartfelt expressions (to the left), two questions came to mind, which subsequently changed the course of this blogpost:
1. Why didn't more men seize this opportunity to publicly dote on their wives? Maybe I didn't chose an ideal time of the day to post the question, but perhaps there was more to it than that.
2. What's unique about these five men and their marriages? They and their wives must be doing something right in order for these words of affirmation to come so freely.
While I'm not sure if I have answers to either of those questions, I do know that each of the five husbands have been married for several years, surely having gone through ups and downs and gaining wisdom along the way. So, we can't chalk up their kind words to dewy-eyed infatuation. Their words were rooted in true, time-tested love, and we can learn from them.
Or maybe they each gave in to some big spending on Black Friday and hoped the compliments would rack up some points toward their wives' good graces... but let's operate under the assumption that this wasn't the case.
I'm no counselor, and I've only been married for five years, but I'm a student of God's Word and I like to think that I've learned a thing or two through observing human behavior and reading some good books on marriage. Anyway, this is my blog and I get to post what I want on it. Take it or leave it, here's my two-cents on words of affirmation.
My 2 Cents on Words of Affirmation
It boils down to 3 points. Does that make it 3 cents? I dunno.
1. People need to be affirmed.
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| Chris and I on my 20th birthday |
More recently, Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages dedicated a whole chapter in his celebrated bestseller to Words of Affirmation.
If you need a Biblical example, look no further than Jesus' Baptism (see Matthew 3:13-17). Although Jesus and His Father are perfectly united as one, God the Father broke through the clouds of Heaven to voice his approval. Surely God's audible message benefited all those listening. I can't help but think, though, that the booming affirmation also served to build-up Jesus' courage before His time in the wilderness, where He triumphed over temptation just before His launch into public ministry.
Clearly, the five men who responded on facebook understood their wives' needs for affirmation. I'd venture to guess that compliments and encouragement freely flow both ways in their relationships, and that their wives are also skilled at offering kind words.
A Bit of Advice: If you want to be affirmed, say so.
I dated my husband for nearly two years before I finally voiced my need for affirmation. Chris is a man of few words who prefers to show his affection through purchasing electronic devices that will solve my life's problems. Although the inkjet printer, bluetooth headset, and MP3 player were all very thoughtful and practical, by the time my twentieth birthday rolled around, I thought I'd give Chris a hint—or a strong suggestion, really—about what I wanted.
My request had 3 parts: (1) I wanted to see The Chronicles of Narnia in the theater (it came out on my birthday in 2005), (2) I wanted a bouquet of roses (I waited two years; it was about time), and (3) I wanted a handwritten love letter (I hadn't received one of those yet either). The third item was what I desired more than anything else. Chris sighed and consented to my wishes. Granted, he squeezed his love letter onto the tiny tag that stuck out of the bouquet, but I didn't care. It meant the world to me that he took the time and effort to write down his words of affirmation. Besides, the little card fits perfectly in my wallet, where I've kept it ever since.
If you need a Biblical example, look no further than Jesus' Baptism (see Matthew 3:13-17). Although Jesus and His Father are perfectly united as one, God the Father broke through the clouds of Heaven to voice his approval. Surely God's audible message benefited all those listening. I can't help but think, though, that the booming affirmation also served to build-up Jesus' courage before His time in the wilderness, where He triumphed over temptation just before His launch into public ministry.
Clearly, the five men who responded on facebook understood their wives' needs for affirmation. I'd venture to guess that compliments and encouragement freely flow both ways in their relationships, and that their wives are also skilled at offering kind words.
A Bit of Advice: If you want to be affirmed, say so.
I dated my husband for nearly two years before I finally voiced my need for affirmation. Chris is a man of few words who prefers to show his affection through purchasing electronic devices that will solve my life's problems. Although the inkjet printer, bluetooth headset, and MP3 player were all very thoughtful and practical, by the time my twentieth birthday rolled around, I thought I'd give Chris a hint—or a strong suggestion, really—about what I wanted.
My request had 3 parts: (1) I wanted to see The Chronicles of Narnia in the theater (it came out on my birthday in 2005), (2) I wanted a bouquet of roses (I waited two years; it was about time), and (3) I wanted a handwritten love letter (I hadn't received one of those yet either). The third item was what I desired more than anything else. Chris sighed and consented to my wishes. Granted, he squeezed his love letter onto the tiny tag that stuck out of the bouquet, but I didn't care. It meant the world to me that he took the time and effort to write down his words of affirmation. Besides, the little card fits perfectly in my wallet, where I've kept it ever since.
2. Culture can influence our word choices.
I'm referring to both pop culture and the cultural climate of the families we do life with.I often jokingly compare my parents to Ralph and Alice Kramden of The Honeymooners. My dad believes he's the king of the castle and occasionally threatens to send my mother to the moon, and my mother runs the show in her own way with her bitingly sarcastic comebacks and rolling eyes. Beneath all the surface tension, though, they love each other.
Growing up, I often played the role of referee in our house, and swore to myself that marriage would look different for me one day.
And it does. However, in my worst moments, I've found that I revert to unhealthy learned behaviors. When I'm stressed or upset, I can spew hurtful words that would make Alice proud. Only there's no live audience to applaud me, and Chris doesn't respond with a threatening fist the way Ralph would. Instead, he replies in his usual even tone with something simple and honest like, "That was hurtful." And then I melt on the spot.
A Bit of Advice: Surround yourself with loving people and take notes.
Think about the loving couples you've known, past and present. What can you learn from them? What kind of tone do they use when they speak to each other, and about each other? Can you apply any of their habits to your own life? How about the couples who aren't such a good example? Are any of their habits creeping into your life?
The five facebook friends who responded above are just a sampling of the couples I know who offer beautiful examples of love. I try to take mental notes whenever I'm around loving families like these. It's a habit I've practiced since childhood.
3. Actions are paramount, but words totally matter.
We know that words without action are meaningless (see 1 John 3:18). While nice words can never take the place of love-driven action, it's important that we recognize the power of our words.
Let's take a look at two widely-known scriptures on the subject:
Proverbs 18:21 "The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit."
Ephesians 4:29-32
"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."
If we consider these verses in light of our relationships, it stands to reason that words can either invigorate our partnerships or suck the life out of them. If we sow enough bitter words into the relational soil, we'll reap a harvest of destruction over time. If we sow uplifting words, we'll reap a harvest of joy and satisfaction. Simple cause and effect.
But if it's so simple, why is it so hard to get right?
A Bit of Advice: Don't allow the following 2 misconceptions to stand in your way:
(1) As long as I carry-out my responsibilities, my spouse should be happy. We can fool ourselves into thinking that if we pay the bills, pick the kids up from soccer, shovel the walkway, cook dinner, and do whatever else we've agreed to do in our marriages, that the words we exchange will make little difference. That's simply not true. Without heartfelt words, the passion of marriage can burn-out, leaving behind little more than a cold, codependent arrangement between two individuals who share assets and offspring.
It's so easy to find the right words when we want to sing the praises of our favorite department store, or sports team, or car manufacturer. It's time we put pride aside and speak life into our marriages.So what do you think?
(2) It doesn't matter what I say when my spouse isn't around. Sure it feels good to vent, but when we say unkind things about our spouse in public, we're spreading an unhealthy culture of negativity. Like bullies on the playground, we're setting the example that it's okay to lift ourselves up by putting others down.
Beyond that, complaining about our marriages sends out a dangerous signal that we're unhappy. Unhappy people have a way of finding each other and believing that they're the answer to one another's problems. Commiserating with someone of the opposite gender on the woes of marriage may seem like harmless chit-chat at first. Sadly, you may not realize until you're up to your earlobes in an emotional affair that you've drifted into treacherous waters. If you are truly unhappy, talk to God, talk to your spouse, talk to a trusted counselor, but whatever you do, don't just blab your grievances to anyone who will listen.
It speaks volumes that my five facebook friends were unashamed to publicly share their words of affirmation. Openly affirming our spouses spreads a culture of love and sends out a signal that we're content. Plus, it builds trust when our loved ones hear through the grapevine that we've spoken kindly of them, possibly improving the likelihood that they'll do the same for us. The healthy cycle can just build and build on itself for years to come.
Was that worth 2 cents after all? Do you have anything to add?
