Saturday, February 23, 2013

Love is Like a Bucket of Chicken

Each year, when I flip a page of the calendar from January to February, I'm gripped by a sense of excitement coupled with anxiety. Although the calendar photo of a puppy licking a kitten is mildly consoling, I can't help but wince when my eyes drop to a date smack dab in the middle of the month: my husband's birthday. It happens to fall on the day known to the rest of the world as Valentine's Day.

Double the pressure? I'd say so.

After some intense prayer (and a few emotional breakdowns in the shopping mall), I usually manage to pull together a gift bag full of thoughtful things that Chris wouldn't think to buy for himself. Then, when the 14th rolls around, I do my best to look nice, shower him with admiration, and carve out some quality time for gift-giving and strawberry shortcake.

I'd say things went pretty well this year. We ended up working late, but Chris seemed to enjoy the gifts. He also bought me a bouquet of flowers and a bucket of fried chicken. What can I say? He knows me.

Now that a week has passed and the roses are wilting, I've begun to wonder what it would be like to wake up each morning with a mission to show my husband how much he means to me. I'm not talking about gifts and cake. (Although, more cake is always a good thing.) But rather, what would it be like if my sensitivity to his emotional needs were heightened? What if I were keenly aware of how I can affirm him, serve him, spend quality time with him, or share a gentle touch or a gift—just when he needed it most?

Jesus said there's no greater love than when we lay down our lives for our friends (John 15:13). Those of us who are married have been blessed with a life-long best friend to love. Too often, though, familiarity and busyness cause us to neglect our spouse in one way or another. We lay down our lives for our jobs, or our children, or our aging parents, but somehow our spouse's needs fall by the wayside.

Left unchecked, feelings of emotional neglect can cause us to become dangerously susceptible to temptation. When a seductive image fulfills a longing, or the milk man comes along with some compliments we haven't heard in a while, we can find ourselves headed down a slippery slope.

I'm no counselor, but here are a few suggestions on...
How to open the door of communication about your needs:

1. Pray and Give Thanks. Before you say a word to your spouse, ask God to help you forgive, if needed, and to help you put aside any feelings of hurt and bitterness. Then give thanks for the special things about your spouse that are a blessing to you.
"Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus" (1 Thess. 5:18).

2. Begin a Conversation. Ask your spouse what you could do, on a daily basis, to better show him/her your love and support. Even if you feel like you're doing all you can, and your spouse is the one who needs to get his/her act together, approaching the subject in this way is a genltle, non-accusatory way to begin the conversation. Make up your mind to receive his/her reply with humility, and resisit the urge to defend yourself or reverse the blame.
"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" (Prov. 15:1).

3. Give it a Try. Hopefully, your starter question has led your partner to ask you the same question in return. Whether or not that has happened (or whether or not you felt truly heard), begin by striving to love your spouse in the way that he/she suggested. Pray and ask God how you can make sacrifices, and seek His divine strength to help build new habits.
"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others" (Phil. 2:3-4).

4. Get Some Resources. As you've taken some initial steps to try to love your partner well, it might be a great time to invite him/her to explore some resources with you. Two classic books that come to mind on the subject of learning how to love well are His Needs, Her Needs and The 5 Love Languages. Both of these resources can help us understand how our spouses uniquely prefer to receive love. You may want to ask a pastor, counselor, or friend for some additional suggestions. Here are 2 quizes based on the titles I've mentioned:

5. Follow Through, Be Honest, and Check In. After you've spent a few weeks exploring resources and forming new habits, check in with each other and be honest about how things are going. If you're struggling to improve, or if you feel like he/she hasn't quite hit the mark, say so—in love. On the other hand, if your spouse is doing great and you're feeling more and more loved everyday, don't forget to express your appreciation!
"Let our lives lovingly express truth [in all things, speaking truly, dealing truly, living truly]..." (Eph. 4:15, AMP).

I'll leave you with 2 links to great messages on marriage and James Taylor's Shower the People (may it be stuck in your head for the next 24 hours). Here's to loving our Valentines—365 days a year!


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